Well, it took much longer to even get to the point where there was a possibility of getting married than I thought it would. But the time has come and after nearly a year of dating, breaking up, dating some more...Tim proposed. He proposed on April 5th, 2011. I said yes! I was extremely happy and excited for our life together and I knew that I loved him and he loved me. But soon I was flooded with many doubts and fears. Mainly...I have been alone and independent for a very long time. I am good at being single. I started realizing that once we were married my entire life would change. My things would not be my things, my house not my house, my time not my time. You see Tim has been married before. He has 4 amazing children. He currently lives with his parents. So in my mind there is really no risk that he will be taking that he hasn't either already experienced before or that wouldn't be improving his situation. It all became very overwhelming for me and started making me question my feelings for him and how deep they really were. I spent most of July seeking for answers and feeling that the only way I could move forward is if I were to receive a direct answer from God that I was or was not supposed to marry Tim.
I was getting very frustrated because when I prayed I felt nothing...kind of numb actually and just silence like I wasn't being heard. I was reading a book called 21 Days Closer to Christ...which is a great book, but it didn't seem to be helping me. I was searching for articles about marriage and how to get answers to prayers, and it seemed like I kept being led to two scriptures in particular...Moroni 7 which is about faith, hope, and charity and the story of doubting Thomas who wouldn't believe that Christ was resurrected until he saw and touched him for himself. Obviously there was a theme there...faith...which I seemed to be lacking. I was a doubting Thomas, but I still couldn't quite figure out what God was trying to tell me.
Last week everything that happened seemed to push me farther away from Tim and getting married than towards him. From misunderstanding intentions of his family, to questioning his motives and commitment, and feeling extremely overwhelmed by the idea of losing my freedom and my lifestyle (all of which I realize are big fears of mine and quite irrational). I had tried for the last month or so to shut off the noise and not really talk to anyone about what what going on. At first even Tim, but I realized it wasn't fair to him to leave him out of what I was going through. But there always comes a time when a girl just needs her mom. So I talked to her about what I was going through and what I was thinking. She never really gave me advice, just listened. I was so stressed and overwhelmed by the events of the week and the thoughts that were going through my head that I told her I just wanted to disappear for a while. I was truly at my wits end and ready to throw in the towel. As I was sitting at the hospital for my monthly treatment, I was playing Words With Friends with my mom and she sent me a message asking if I wanted to know what my dad's advice would be if I asked him for his advice. Knowing my dad is old school, I was pretty sure what his advice would be...but I said 'yes' and she said his advice would be "Marry Him!! You have a great guy that loves you and would do anything in the world for you." That was pretty much exactly what I thought he would say, but my response was that I knew that was true, but I wasn't sure if I loved him enough.
After my treatment was over, I texted Tim to see if he would like to meet for brunch. He said he did, so we met at Village Inn. As we were waiting for our food, he asked me if I felt that I would have the same fears with any other guy. I told him there was no way for me to know that. Maybe another guy wouldn't have all the baggage he has or maybe I wasn't meant to be married. He didn't believe that was true. I told him that after everything that happened this week, if I had to make a decision right at that moment, I would say we needed to go our separate ways. We had planned to go to the Temple that night though, so he asked if we could really focus on being in the Temple and getting the answer that I was looking for that night. I agreed. He said he was going to spend the day in study and prayer to prepare himself to go to the Temple. I was going to work, so I couldn't focus as much of my day on that, but I was still committed to having a prayer in my heart and pondering.
As I left the restaurant, I called my mom and asked her if she felt that my fears were holding me back and getting in the way of getting the answer I was seeking. She said, "honestly, yes I do. I don't want to tell you what you should do, but I feel like you have so many fears and they are the only thing that you can see." I agreed. She also said that dad said, there were so many specific things that had to happen for Tim and I to meet and he was sure it wasn't a coincidence. Again, I agreed.
Later that day at work, I got an email from Tim with a couple of links to articles about "Making the Marriage Decision" and "Confidence to Marry". He was a little nervous to send me the articles because he didn't want me to feel like he was being pushy. I didn't feel that way at all. In fact, I was grateful that he wanted to help and did it in a way that wasn't telling me what to do. So I read the articles the both had answers to the questions I had been asking. I realized there were other people out there that was having the same fears and doubts that I had been having. In "Confidence to Marry" it listed many fears that Latter Day Saints have when contemplating marriage. My main fear was listed which is..."Fear of Lifestyle Change" among others. But at the end of that article was a quote by Elder Holland that held a precious gem especially for me in that moment: “With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. ‘Cast not away therefore your confidence’ [Heb. 10:35]. Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you.”
Another message that I got from reading the articles, and probably most important for me to understand, was the message in "Making the Marriage Decision". A woman trying to decide between getting married and going on a mission. She was looking for an awe-inspiring answer to her questions that she heard so many others have. She spoke to her Bishop and he told her if she didn't mind her boyfriend getting married while she was gone then she should go on a mission, but if she did mind, perhaps she should rethink it. So as she was pondering and praying about that advice, the distinct thought or feeling came to her that it was her choice. She said, "Of course it had always been my choice, but this prompting reminded me that I didn’t need to wait for earth-shattering, divine intervention to tell me to marry Jon; I knew we were compatible, I knew I loved him, and I knew marrying him would be a good thing. All that was left was for me to make the choice.
“If it’s my choice,” I thought, “then I choose him.” It was hard to give up the opportunity of a mission, but from that moment on, I was committed, and we started planning for marriage." When I read that, I realized what my patriarchal blessing was telling me all along about having the "privilege of exercising that choice" of who I would marry. If I didn't exercise that choice then I was not completely making that commitment to doing whatever necessary to make the marriage a happy, healthy relationship.
So what I had been seeking for was always right in front of me: 1. I already knew that I had a good thing and that I would never have said yes to Tim in the first place if I didn't feel it was right. 2. I had 'casted away my confidence' in what I knew to be good. 3. I had the privilege of choosing Tim. God wasn't going to make that decision for me no matter how much I wanted him to. It would do me no good at all for him to tell me I was supposed to marry Tim because if I didn't make that choice then I wouldn't be able to fully commit to him.
I can't tell you what a weight was suddenly lifted from my shoulders. I felt a lightness that I hadn't felt for months. My headache suddenly eased and the stress I hold in my jaw relaxed. I knew that I had gotten my answers.
Free agency is such a huge blessing. It is what we fought for before we came to earth. It is what we still value above all things in this country...freedom to choose. I choose Tim Ryan Dale. He is a great man who loves me and who I love. We will work together to make things work and to make our lives happy and fulfilling.
That night in the Temple I was blessed with another gem of understanding. In the creation it says, "they would multiply and replenish the earth and find joy in their posterity...and they would feel the full measure of their creation." It really hit me that without getting married and having children I would never be able to experience the "full measure of my creation". What a blessing! I know I am meant to be a wife and mother and I want to be that with Tim by my side.
To eternity and beyond...
